Take A Breath

Thursday Thoughts - Being The Main Character in Your Own Life

• Polly Warren

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On this week's Thursday's Thoughts, Lucy and I talk about what it really means to shift out of the background and into the lead role of your own life.

We chat about how easy it is, especially for women, to unconsciously slip into a supporting role, putting everyone else’s needs first, waiting for the “right time,” or playing small out of habit rather than intention.

We explore how being the main character doesn’t mean being loud or dramatic. It simply means taking up space in your own life. And it doesn’t require a big, sweeping change — sometimes it’s just one small moment where you back yourself and remember that you’re allowed to take the lead and want more.

We hope you find something useful in here.

Love,
Polly & Lucy xx

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Thursday Thoughts, your weekly dose of real, honest conversation on all things personal growth. These are the chats Lucy and I love having every week over on Instagram. They're unfiltered, unedited, and always rooted in practical tools and a dose of inspiration. Let's dive in. Good morning.

SPEAKER_01:

Good morning. How are you?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, good. Thank you. How are you?

SPEAKER_01:

I am okay. I I'm not sure I'm feeling main character energy this morning, which is our topic, but hey, I'll give it a go. I'll give it a go.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Anyway, let you take it away because this was your idea.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I don't know where this came from. It kind of just dropped to me. And maybe it's because something actually I've been quite aware of in my own in my own life recently. But the topic which we which I came up with this morning was um are we being the main character in our own lives, or are we are we being more of a supporting role, the supporting actor's role? And I think this is a is quite a juicy topic in a way, because so often and for so many different so many different reasons, sometimes we can be not just not owning our life, just not owning our role in our own life. We are constantly, well, okay, let me talk about it from my point of view, is probably the easiest way to do it. So I know for well, most of my life, I have never wanted to be in the limelight. I haven't wanted to be in the spotlight. And I say that, but then sometimes I do, but there's there's a big, big part of me, which is wanting to kind of let everyone else be in the in the spotlight, and I'll sort of just I'll just sit beside and just and just sort of be there and don't have the main light on me. And actually, that is a pattern I've really noticed. It's like don't draw attention to yourself. It's that visibility piece, which I know both you and I have worked so hard on to get visible, to be comfortable with being more visible. But I think like right now, for example. Well, exactly like right now, exactly. So it is, it's um, it's more about just asking yourself am I the main character in my own life? Because this life is yours. This is this is the only life we have. Or are we actually stepping aside and making it more about all the other people in our lives? You know, we're all so good at looking after everybody else, caring for other people, uh putting other people before ourselves. And I I mean my word, my words for this year, which I've kind of got I've got literally there beside me, is own it, own it, own what you do, own what you're doing, own everything that you believe in. Stop worrying and doubting yourself that it might not be quite right or it might not be um acceptable to a small number of people, or you know, it's like do you, be who you truly are, and just step into that role fully and forget about everybody else. It's almost like put your blinkers on and be you and do you and own that version of you. And I mean a big part of this really is just stop worrying what everybody else thinks, because you know, that that's it's not about them, it's about you and in your life. So that is what I really thought. That's what came to me this morning, and um, and I think it's something which we can all probably do more of is own what we do. And I mean, I've seen you, Lucy, it you know, throughout the time I've known you, and and in terms of your business, of your jet of your um but your but your business. I've really seen you. I mean, it's been amazing to watch. You have literally stepped into you and uh uh fully owning everything that you believe in and what you do. And you know, I I'm I'm on the I'm on the journey. I'm hoping I'm doing it more. And it's and it doesn't mean that you have to be uh like a massive extrovert, and I think that's what often we often believe to be. I'm an introvert. Yeah, I think often we need we bit we we think we have to be really loud and outrage and outgoing and outrageous to own it, but actually you don't, because I'm definitely not that kind of person. I'm much softer and gentler, but it's more about really feeling comfortable in your own skin, yeah, so that you absolutely have that real confidence and belief in yourself, in what you believe in, and you can project that outwards out into the world.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, no, it's so true. I um I love the fact that your word of the year is own it, or your two words of the year is own it, because you're so right. And and actually, I mean, as as you know, like my audience are single women without kids, and I think I think you know, when it comes to main character energy and being the main character in your own life and and and all that, I think it's it can get a lot easier to do that as a single woman because you know you're not having to look after a husband or children and and all of that. But like but I think probably the other the flip side of that is there are probably single women out there to feel who feel the exact opposite because they are single and they don't have kids. Do you know what I mean? It's like like everything, it's the way that you frame it. Um but I think yeah, you you are and a thanks for what you said. I I really appreciate that. And I think it it's a lot to do with you have you know, ultimately, if you don't believe what you're talking about, then you're not gonna fucking own it. You had that so you have to, which is why, and this is something that you and I have talked about endlessly on Monday Motivation, is like you've got to do the thing that lights you up, like you've got to do the thing that you want to be doing, the thing that that that makes you come alive. Um and not very many of us are doing that, I don't think. Um, but it's very difficult to own something that you don't believe in. Um when you when you do believe in something, however, it's much easier to own it. That doesn't mean it's easy, and as you know better than most, like the journey to me, quote, owning it has been uh, you know, it's been um full of twists and turns. And I still to this day, you know, sometimes I have to consciously kind of embody that. It doesn't always come naturally. And of course, you know, confidence, this is a topic that you and I, it's one of the I remember it's one of the first things that you and I talked about on Monday Motivation, however long ago that was, like over two years ago. And confidence is not something that you either have or you don't have, it's a decision you make to like we've talked about confidencing. It's like you know you practice confidence. Yeah, you've got to practice that. Exactly, exactly that. You have to practice confidence. Um, I was gonna say something else off the back of what you said, and it's I'm having a menopausal moment, as per usual, and it's just completely gone out of my mind. It was off the back of something you said. Um, and I can't remember what it was, so over to you. No, sorry.

SPEAKER_00:

No, so we have to, yeah, you we it is a lot of this is about confidence and uh and feeling that you are able to be that main character, you know, in your life. Um, because I think some of us can think, oh, it's a bit you know, it can be a bit selfish to start, you know, it's all about me. But actually, for fuck's sake, it's such bollocks, it's total bollocks because it's we don't do that enough. No, we have one life and we're always constantly apologizing. Oh my god. Everybody else is like, oh, I'm sorry, I don't want to take up too much space. I'm just gonna sort of sit over here and be quiet and fit in. And and I think, particularly as women, that's been the sort of narrative for so many, for such for decades, for centuries, that we are meant to be, you know, subservient and fit in. And and it's actually we've got to, we've got to override that. However uncomfortable that may feel, we've got to override it. We've got to, we've got to start taking up space and owning it and being in our bigness rather than shrinking, and and and that's what I feel like I very much have done for a lot of my life. It's almost like shrinking to fit in, to keep everyone happy, to to just not to not gonna like beat my drum and go, here I am, everybody. And actually, yeah, I am definitely working on trying to step out and just be a bigger version of myself and go, This is me, because why not? No one else is gonna do it for you. Only you can do it. Of course, you can champion other people, but actually ultimately it's the energy that you're putting out. So if you're shrinking, that negative that energy is a little is shrinking energy. Whereas actually, we need to be like, right, I am here, this is me, I 100% believe in what I'm doing. And and if you don't 100% believe in what you're doing, what you can do. I actually spoke to someone on my podcast um last week, and I've a couple of people I've spoken to actually in my podcast have suggested doing this, is and to have some sort of alter ego. Um I know that Beyoncé has an alter ego. Yes, exactly. So it's almost creating a character which which is which has qualities of you which you know are there, which you know you want to be that version of you, but it's almost like creating a character to go, okay, I'm gonna embody this person and be all that she is, and step into her, and so use her in those moments when you're feeling a little bit nervous, a little bit shy, and stepping into that energy, and then it gives you that confidence to be able to move forward because ultimately, when you do move forwards with that energy, it it you get that momentum building, and it feels a lot easier as you take those steps forwards.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I just want to go back to something that you said, and yeah, I completely agree with what you're saying, but I just wanted to go back to something that you were talking about earlier about how you know how we there's this ridiculous narrative, and this is one of the narratives around single women, right? Is it's the classic, like they're selfish, single women are selfish. Like, I've done a real about this because I I wrote about this in my book. It's it's which is called Shiny Happy Singles, FYI for anyone who fancies buying it. Um but but this this selfish myth around single people, it speaks to what you were saying just now, which is this idea that oh, if you want to do something for yourself, then you are too much or you are too selfish. And so that's you know, kind of the the that uh there is definitely that sort of vibe sometimes around single women. It's definitely one of the stories around single women that was selfish because we're not having kids. Who the actual fuck came up with this? Well, the patriarchy came up with it, that's who, to keep women quiet and small, um, so things can just carry on ticking along nicely. Um it's it's one thing that frankly gets on my tips because it's just it's just absurd. This ridiculous idea that we're kind of, I'm not saying we're not here to serve other people, I'm not saying we're not here to help other people, care for other people, love other people. But you know what? We're also here for ourselves. We're also here to live the best fucking life we possibly can. We're not here to go, I'm going to put everybody else ahead in front of me. I'm going to prioritize everybody else and how they feel above and beyond how I feel. No, it's such crap. And I again it is it's this story, it's just and particularly, you know, your bottom dollar. Men don't feel like that. Men don't feel like they can't be main character energy. Men don't feel like they're not the main characters in their life. It's women who have been conditioned to play small. And this is another thing that you and I have talked about multiple times. Sorry, I'm getting past it, I know, but I can't help it, as you know. Here I go. Fuck it up. But no, for years, for years, I lived my life in that space. For years, I I suppressed who I actually really truly was. Playing some more, oh, I want to write a thing. I remember I talked about this before when I worked at Radio 2 for years, I wanted to be behind the fucking microphone. I didn't want to be going and getting somebody the coffee and going and getting the artists or the musicians from reception. I wanted to be behind the mic, right? But guess what? I never, ever, I never, ever told anyone that ever. I never told my sister, I never told my best friends. It was a secret, a dirty little secret that I kept to myself. Because, Lucy, how absurd that you would ever think that you could ever be a presenter. What who do you who the hell do you think you are? And this is the way that we have been taught to give to think, women in particular. And as you know, because I talked about it on here and you and I have talked about this privately, but I got to a stage where my soul was like practically bursting to to to come out of myself because it just it couldn't, I I couldn't, I couldn't handle it any longer. I couldn't suppress myself and who I really am any longer. I couldn't push back my potential any longer. It, you know, I and I got to say that I had to start doing something about it. So I did. And that's not to say it's not easy, but I just want to, what I'm trying to point out is as women, I think we have to really recognise this about ourselves, that we feel guilty if we want. I'm sorry, there's no such thing as wanting too much for yourself. You're allowed to want as much as you fucking well want for yourself. You're allowed to want an amazing life. And that doesn't, that doesn't negate also caring about the people that you love. But somehow we've been led to believe, particularly when you're married, I mean, that's one of the benefits of being single, that you don't feel, you don't have that sort of um feeling like you've got to put yourself first because you know your husband comes first and your kids come first and everyone comes before you. But I do think we have to be careful about that. We are we are equally important, not least because when we are depleted and when we're when we're not putting ourselves first, actually we don't show up very well for the people around us because you know we're not we're not feeling that great. We're depleted. We're not, do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, 100%. So yes. So, you know, you know, in it you are obviously all about the single women. So I talk a lot to to women in midlife who often have families, who have kids, who are in relationships, and often sacrifice so much for their family, for the kids to make it work. They go over and above to keep everybody else happy, and it's yeah, it's a well-known thing now that they are absolutely worn out, exhausted, and their needs are at the bottom of the pile and they completely forget what they want. And then they get this time where you hit midlife and you've got menopause going on, and often when you go through menopause, the Easter journey, which is often that sort of it's like keeps everything a little bit rose tinted, when that starts to go and it's a bit depleted, suddenly you see it for what it is, and it's like I'm not having this anymore. This is absolutely not on, and that's when like that real tension and anger and rage and all those feelings come up. It's like, no, you need to fulfill your own needs because otherwise it absolutely eats away at you inside and makes you excessively miserable. You have to fulfill what you are what you want. And often, though, it becomes gets to a point where you don't even know what you want because you have been putting everybody else first for so long. You don't know what it is you want. So the first step really is just figuring out what the hell do I want. And not, you know, we're so good at saying what we don't want. It's like, what do I want? And then it is taking those small actions, those small steps to get there and not and unapologetically get there without again, you know, and I've done this, you know, I have a family, I've got three kids, I have changed career, I have, I have very much sacrificed a lot of what I've wanted to do because I, my husband's the major breadwinner in the relationship, and this is often the case, you know, this can be the case because I obviously had to take time off to have my three babies. So that's how it just naturally worked out for us. Obviously, every relationship is different. But in order for me to then restart, I've always had to, I've always had to work it around kids, family, everything else. And and I can't, I I I felt so much frustration of not being able to 100% throw myself into it because I haven't been able to, because I'm, you know, I've got to go put the kids up or I've got to go into this or whatever. So I think now though, for and and that is the reality of life. And one, and often if you're in a if you're in a relationship and you do have children, you you've got to make a compromise, you know, it's compromise. And I know you talk about all the benefits of being single, but you don't have to do any of that. So that is the very real reality of it. But as and as I'm as I'm getting older, and I think as these uh if you're getting older and you've got families and kids, actually this amazing freedom begins to to come because kids, you know, my kids now are that much older, and um, you know, I have an incredibly supportive husband. You know, he's wanting me to succeed more than anybody else. But you know, I still have responsibilities within the family, but actually I have more time and space. And so for me now, this is an amazing time, I feel, for me to really stop worrying about everybody else's needs so much because kids now are at the point where they don't need need it so much, and I can step into myself to own it as much as I can, and and I know that I've been slightly on the sidelines always. You know, I I'm trying, you know, it's trying to own it, and then it's like, oh, I'm just gonna sit to the side a little bit here. I'm not gonna go into that full, that full energy, that full main character energy as you call it. Um, and so that is that's that's the practice, that's the work, that's kind of like each small steps, constantly becoming aware of it. It's like you know, becoming aware of the patterns when you start to shrink and actually go, Oh, catch it. It's like catching that pattern and going, no, no. Move into the centre, move in and own it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, completely. Um, I've done that thing again where I had something on the tip of my tongue that I was gonna say off the back of what did you just say? Remind me, and then I'll remember. Oh god, I was learning about something. Oh, I know what I was gonna say. I was gonna say, when you were talking about um when you were talking about how, like, you know, obviously you're married and you have three kids, and so you put yourself on the sidelines for for much of that that period of your life. And and it just made me think how um, much as I like to think I would have been a good mum, I mean we'll never know, but um, but I genuinely these days, because as you know, I'm like, I'm I call myself child free, um, but I I I I I always assumed I would have kids. Um I'm being really inarticulate. The point I'm trying to get to is the fact that I realize, I have realized in the last few years that exactly what we're talking about, had I had kids, I because I know myself so well these days, I just know that I would have been one of those mums who would have felt bitter and resentful and angry. I know I would, because I know myself. And if I got married and had kids, that doesn't mean of course I would have loved, of course I would have loved my kids, whether I'd still love my husband, we'll never know that either. But do you know what I mean? I I I know that I would have loved my kids, but I also know that I would have been silently sort of bitter and seething and resentful because I have such a strong need to do what I want to do with my life, you know? And it's just really interesting to think about that. And if I ever had any, I mean, I don't, I've I've never had any regrets about not having kids. I've had, I've wondered, I've had moments of wondering, and I've, as you know, I've gone through grief at not having kids, um, that sort of very physical feeling. But I am so relieved now that I didn't because I never, I never, I never had to go through that. And I wouldn't have wanted to, I I know that I wouldn't have liked myself if I'd gone down that path because I know I can just, I can just see exactly how what would have been going on in my mind and how I'd have been like fucking hell and annoyed because, you know, all my I'd have had to have done this and I've had to. So I think it, yeah, I mean, it's a it must be really, really difficult to sort of put your needs aside. But it's great that you are now at the stage now, like you say, where you can let go of that a bit now because your kids are growing up and you can now step into who you are and focus on you. But you also have to be very mindful that you've got to keep, you've got to keep owning that because, like you say, sometimes you find yourself back on the sidelines going, oh, well, I'll just put my needs aside for a minute. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's the thing. We have to um manage that. We have to stay in control of that because otherwise, life, especially when you're married with kids, life just just just you know takes you down its own path and you kind of veer off your path, if that makes sense. Yeah, it's not right.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so for me, it I I have to really, really be clear this and work on this and be strict. And and also you could use it, it's be very easy to use it as an excuse to why you're not doing the things that you actually want to do. You know, it's almost like sometimes you know, it's like, oh well, I can't do this because actually I I haven't got time because I've got to do this. And actually it's very easy. For to use it all as an excuse. And it's actually like, and I think I've done that as well, if I'm honest, um, to excuse myself for not doing, you know, keep going and and being that main character energy because actually it feels uncomfortable to me to do that. So it's it's you know, as we always say, Lucy, it's about awareness, it's about awareness, catching these thoughts, understanding where it's coming from. And I do also believe there's probably quite a few um subconscious beliefs going on, um, which you probably have picked up through through your life, and one of them being, you know, the patriarchy kind of conditioning about a woman's role in society. But I think also there probably were times where you do, you know, I did stand out and then I didn't like being everyone looking at me. I know there's certain there's certain events in my childhood where that would have kind of informed some of this desire to slightly step aside rather than be in the center stage, which I think we've probably all had some sort of experience of that. So it's just being aware of these patterns and actually finding that um those small steps which you can do to embody that energy. So I think confidence, practice confidence, get uncomfortable, the little steps of courage to do the things, to be visible, to own it. You know, Instagram is a great example of this. I mean, I I still feel uncomfortable putting out videos and owning owning what I'm saying, and particularly when you when they kind of completely bomb and you get nothing from them. And it's a bit like, oh God, do I just keep going? Do I just keep going? And I mean, you're again another example, but actually you you one should keep going because it can actually really explode. But it's again having that faith, having that um belief in yourself that you can do it and that you are you are on the right path.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I mean, yeah, Instagram is a very good example of that. And and one thing just to add to what you know, you said, do you still feel uncomfortable? And and so do I. I mean, Jesus, I feel like a twat on a regular basis on Instagram. Or because especially, you know, and now I put a real out every single day, and it's always like a real to camera, um, you know, banging on about something to do with singlehood or mindset or whatever. And um, you know, there are days where because I've I've made a commitment to myself. Like I I have made a decision I'm gonna put one out every day. There are no excuses. Like, um there's just there's just no excuses, you know, no days off every fucking day. I've said I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna do it. Um, for for for one year, and then we'll see how I feel. Probably exhausted. Um, because my God, even you know, it doesn't look like much, but bloody hell, on top of everything else, it's a lot. Anyway, um, but what I was gonna say is that there are some days where I put one out and I'm like, oh, that was a load of that's a load of shit. What am I on about? Like literally, and and I think this is where not being perfect is also quite a useful thing to lean into because I quite a long time ago, especially, you know, you and I both know we've both got podcasts, quite a long time ago. I kind of held my hands up and went, I cannot be perfect, otherwise I'm never gonna do this. So I got quite comfortable with just putting stuff out, putting content out that is far from perfect, but I always think to myself, it's better than nothing, it's something is better than nothing. And I think that is something to, that's a real lesson that I had to learn is to, you know, get out of the sort of perceptionist, which ultimately is just procrastination, sort of dis in disguise. It's like, oh, well, it's not perfect yet, so I can't put it out. Well, it's bollocks, it's just because you're scared and you don't want to put it out. And actually, when you when you get it's so good when you get used to um to doing things that are imperfect, you know, you just you just kind of you just kind of gotta do it. You just kind of gotta do it. And it's and that is a really, really good way of building that confidence muscle.

SPEAKER_00:

Because you just think, oh fuck it. Yeah, I've got so good at doing that. I've just, yeah, I remember when my first few podcasts I recorded, I literally was editing my it was, I wasn't, it was, it wasn't really the other person, it was constantly editing myself because I was like, oh my god, I can't, I why can't I just speak clearly and succinctly, constantly editing all the bits out. And now I just I just think oh it's fine. I just leave it as it is. It's I'm not bothered. It is who I am. So people are either gonna listen or they can switch off. And that's that, you know, you've got to, it's ultimately about just being yourself, is the most important thing. And I think that's what people relate to most is just being you. And if you're too perfect, people don't want you to be too perfect or things to be too perfect, it's not it's not as relatable.

SPEAKER_01:

So but the irony is that the act um again, this is something we've talked about before, but the irony is that the hardest thing to do for most people is to be themselves. It's so absurd when you think about it. It's so absurd. In fact, I think we should do a mundy motivation about honesty. Because I we've I'm sure we've done one before, but I don't think that human beings are very honest with each other a lot of the time. I think we're all wandering around basically something else. Yeah, we're we're all yeah, we're all wandering around not being entirely honest with each other about, and I've got some a situation in my life at the moment that's made that's brought this to mind. Um, and I'm just like, yeah, I think we should talk about it maybe, maybe next week. There we go.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god, amazing. We've got a topic for this week, a week ahead. I know, well, listen, it's it's uh 9.29. Um, I think we've I think we've done that one. I think we have. Be the main character in your life. Stop, stop going to the sidelines. I mean, this is a message to me more than anything, as well. So um, yeah, own it. Own it, own it, own it. All right, babe. Well, have a good have a good day. Thank you. You too. See you soon. Lots of love. See you next week. Bye bye.